More thoughts on the experiment

There seems to be a connection between my heart and my brain in what I am trying to do. When I think of Jesus Christ and His kingdom, I also turn my heart to him in surrender of my own will. Kind of like praying "Thy will be done" but I don't actually say it. I just will it silently in my heart. But it isn't a reluctant turning to Him. I have seen His goodness and beauty in a way that is impossible to describe. Some part of me is always warring for control of my own life, and that part of me I do violence to in a way. I choose to go to the Lord because He is good and I am not; because He is perfect and I am not. And when I get there, when I muscle past that stubborn "thing" in me that says "no don't do it!" I find myself in the presence of the most beautiful, loving, generous, gracious, magnificent, joyful Being I have ever met--beyond all I could even imagine. Overwhelming joy and light washes over me in His presence. I have no worries. All of a sudden everything seems RIGHT, even if in the human perspective it isn't. For example, lately, and maybe its no coincidence, I am finding myself often slighted and hurt by people close to me. Shockingly so. I don't even know what to do at first. But then I think, "God's kingdom (His will) matters more than what I want to do about this situation." and in my heart I take my feelings and the situation to Him, and immediately I have peace and wisdom for how to proceed. Like an instant download to my heart. I guess what is actually happening is that I am surrendering my body to His use, and that "instant download" is really just Him taking the reins. And I am governed by His peace and joy as He sees to the people in His Kingdom. I feel like I have discovered some wonderful secret. If ever there was a way to quit sinning, well this is it. I give my body to God to use, and He does not sin. But I have not disappeared. I am just hidden in Him. What people see in those moments I am surrendered is no longer Jenn, but Jesus. They may not realize it, but that is the fact. "I have died and my life is hidden with Christ in God." I am on vacation in my own soul, resting in perfect peace and unexplainable joy. And all I have to do is surrender to Him. Not an easy thing, but so simple I wouldn't have believed it was the answer if you'd told me years ago. In fact, I didn't! I read the Laubach/Lawrence book nearly 8 years ago when Kurt and I were dating, and it was incomprehensible to me, even though some part of me wanted to do what they had done. I guess God took that inkling of desire and has graciously brought me here to fulfill it. Hey--Em--looks like He did the 7 year thing with me too! ha!

Practicing His Presence

Well, Em, this post is for you. I don't really know what to say about the experiment yet, except that it is so worth the effort, even though I am doing such a bad job!

(For any readers who don't know what I'm talking about, I recently read Practicing His Presence, a little book with writings from two men, Frank Laubach, a twentieth century missionary, and Brother Lawrence, a 17th century monk. Both men set out to see if they could remain constantly in fellowship with God. Laubach's experiment was to see if he could bring Christ to mind one second out of every minute, opening his heart and will to Him.)

What I have found so far is that God is near and loves deeply and pours out grace freely. Sometimes I go for hours and forget to bring Christ to mind but when I come He receives me with so much joy and affection. I can hardly describe how wonderful He is. Some days like today I get stubborn and just want to do my own thing. He lets me. (though Lawrence said that in his experience the Lord would call him back when he had forgotten for too long...both men, I think, said that God wouldn't push if there was a problem with the will being toward self).

Anyway, I hope that helps give you some idea what's going on. It's hard to explain how it works, except that in coming to God, we have to lay our WHOLE self at His feet, all of our will. Both Laubach and Lawrence expressed repeatedly that the will to be God's must be with all our hearts, keeping nothing back from Him. Laubach said that he resolved and then reresolved to give his whole self to God, every minute. It was definitely an act of will and a conscious decision to reject everything but the Savior and His love.