More thoughts on the experiment

There seems to be a connection between my heart and my brain in what I am trying to do. When I think of Jesus Christ and His kingdom, I also turn my heart to him in surrender of my own will. Kind of like praying "Thy will be done" but I don't actually say it. I just will it silently in my heart. But it isn't a reluctant turning to Him. I have seen His goodness and beauty in a way that is impossible to describe. Some part of me is always warring for control of my own life, and that part of me I do violence to in a way. I choose to go to the Lord because He is good and I am not; because He is perfect and I am not. And when I get there, when I muscle past that stubborn "thing" in me that says "no don't do it!" I find myself in the presence of the most beautiful, loving, generous, gracious, magnificent, joyful Being I have ever met--beyond all I could even imagine. Overwhelming joy and light washes over me in His presence. I have no worries. All of a sudden everything seems RIGHT, even if in the human perspective it isn't. For example, lately, and maybe its no coincidence, I am finding myself often slighted and hurt by people close to me. Shockingly so. I don't even know what to do at first. But then I think, "God's kingdom (His will) matters more than what I want to do about this situation." and in my heart I take my feelings and the situation to Him, and immediately I have peace and wisdom for how to proceed. Like an instant download to my heart. I guess what is actually happening is that I am surrendering my body to His use, and that "instant download" is really just Him taking the reins. And I am governed by His peace and joy as He sees to the people in His Kingdom. I feel like I have discovered some wonderful secret. If ever there was a way to quit sinning, well this is it. I give my body to God to use, and He does not sin. But I have not disappeared. I am just hidden in Him. What people see in those moments I am surrendered is no longer Jenn, but Jesus. They may not realize it, but that is the fact. "I have died and my life is hidden with Christ in God." I am on vacation in my own soul, resting in perfect peace and unexplainable joy. And all I have to do is surrender to Him. Not an easy thing, but so simple I wouldn't have believed it was the answer if you'd told me years ago. In fact, I didn't! I read the Laubach/Lawrence book nearly 8 years ago when Kurt and I were dating, and it was incomprehensible to me, even though some part of me wanted to do what they had done. I guess God took that inkling of desire and has graciously brought me here to fulfill it. Hey--Em--looks like He did the 7 year thing with me too! ha!